Okay, so I like my roommate, but I still don’t feel too comfortable around her. Maybe it’s the whole adjusting to a new place and living with a total stranger, but I don’t know. I’ve been keeping in contact with my family and some of my friends this last week and I’m really starting to feel homesick. It’s a weird feeling I’m getting—feeling welcomed, but feeling out of place at the same time.I know it’s only been a week, but I still miss home. Hanging senior portraits on my wall and see posts on IG, Facebook, and Twitter just makes me feel even more homesick.My roommate has her softball clique now and I’m still trying to figure out where I belong. I’m joining the chamber choir as well as the choir that represents the city, but I’m not as excited as I was when I found out I got accepted into the chamber choir at my high school. People find it weird for me to eat food with a spoon and fork. They find it weird that I cross my legs when I sit in the car or sit criss cross apple sauce in class. They find it weird that I flew all the way from California to Missouri. My roommate and I are total opposites. I can’t relate with most people when we talk. It’s mostly country stuff. No one is a super Disney fan here. No one has a similar taste in music with me. Everyone wears Nike, Lululemon, and Victoria Secret here. Everyone brought their whole closet while I just brought probably a fourth of it. This school is more predominantly white than my high school. Not that I don’t like them. Everyone here is SO nice. Their interests and conversations are way different from mine. To them, $100 for a fridge is cheap, while I find it way too expensive. If you come into my dorm, half of the room is filled with pictures and supplies to make it feel homey. Then there’s my half, where I only have 14 pictures, 1/4 filled closet, and a bed with my security blankets.
I’m really trying to get myself out there, but it’s just making me miss home more. I’m hoping that this sickness will go away when I start choir tomorrow afternoon. I’m getting that feeling that I have to try so hard to fit in because being me is not good enough again. Talking to my friends and family back at home helps for only so long. I’m just counting down to December already.
I think one of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up losing touch with all of my friends back at home. I mean, I know it’s bound to happen at some point for some people. Already happened with one of my closest friends, where she just laid out that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. But with everyone else. It’s hard being away from people I grew so close with over the last few years. Now I have to start over.
I just hope this doesn’t change me into someone I’ll regret.
Please don’t forget to remember me.
It’s amazing how time flew.
Something always brings me back to you.
My chest hurts as I’m writing all of this.
Artist: Kamehameha Schools Children's Chorus